Walk in Freedom
Jealousy. What comes up for you when you hear that word? Seriously take a minute just to sit with it. Do you feel shame? Do you think of all the things you want but don’t have? Does someone specific come to your mind?
To be honest, all those things come to mind when I hear that word. But most of all I feel remnants of shame. I grew up hearing that “envy was the root of all evil” and admitting to jealousy can still feel embarrassing at age 25. But recently I read Glennon Doyle’s book “Untamed”. Her book left a significant impact on many areas of my life, but most deeply in the shame I had surrounding jealousy. Now I don’t have a direct quote, but at some point in the book she shares that jealousy is actually not a bad thing. NOT A BAD THING. What. I think when I read that I did a full stop. Not bad??? How can the thing which is the “root of all evil” not be bad.
Glennon went on to explain that we can rename jealousy as simply an emotion leading us to information. Information that teaches us more about ourselves and how we were created. Our likes, our dislikes, our desires.
Well okay, that is a definition I can get behind. Goodbye shame!
But then what do we do with that? I had an experience I want to share that I hope will give light to how this reframing of jealously can be a really beautiful thing.
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Sometimes I can be a restless sleeper. It’s not a quality I love about myself, but one I’ve come to terms with as it continues to be a part of my life. Most of the time when I wake up in the middle of the night, it’s for one of three reasons*.
1. I have to pee
2. My acid reflux is literally burning my throat
3. I’m anxious
*However, there is a fourth (wayyyy more fun) reason I sometimes find myself lying awake in bed at 2am and it goes like this: Abruptly I’m awoken and my head’s swarming with (what I think is) a brilliant idea.
Some of these ideas have been, I kid you not, entire book outlines or creative choices I can make in a character I’m currently playing or song lyrics ready to be set to a melody. Sometimes I am with it enough at 2am to write down these fleeting thoughts, but most of the time I’ll wake up having forgotten the specifics from the night before but knowing that a moment came.
Now, being a person of faith, I consider this to be God gently waking me up and whispering creativity into my ear. Sounds a lil crazy, I know. Feels a lil crazy to be honest! But it also feels like a sweet interaction between a loving and generous Father and a willing daughter.
Well recently I woke up in the middle of the night and it wasn’t because of option 1, 2, or 3 so I started getting excited for what was to come. What new creative dream was going to be set on my heart? Only to be met with seething jealousy toward two friends. I kid you not, flashes of their recent Instagram posts and stories were playing through my mind like a slide show. And I felt confused, and disappointed, embarrassed and ashamed.
But then I remembered that jealousy is information.
So I asked myself what is this feeling trying to tell me? And how can I invite God into this? I looked at my friends lives and played the not so fun comparison game. What might they have in their life that I am longing for? And that’s when it hit me. Both friends had brilliant creative outlets. I wanted that. And then I moved into the anger phase. (It’s so fun admitting all of this!) I started lowkey yelling at God questions such as “Why do they get to have this?” “Where’s my creative space?” and that’s when I felt a gentle reminder that the only person getting in my way of having the thing I am feeling jealous over is myself.
Woof.
If there really is an enemy of our souls, and being a person of faith, I believe there is, then wouldn’t it be like him to want to do this? To use jealousy to keep us stuck in comparison rather than going out and doing the thing God has called us and created us to do? Wouldn’t it be like the enemy to turn jealousy into a shame cycle, keeping us stuck?
So what began as a rough wake up with jealousy and anger turned into a dream session of how I’d most like to begin to express myself in a creative space of my own. Looking at what I am already doing in secret and how I can share it with others. Enter, the birth of this blog.
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Why do I share all of this?
I have a not-so-secret goal in life of living as shame free as possible and inviting others into that same freedom. Amongst a list of other notable matters, this whole jealousy thing was a cause of shame in my life for quite some time. So that is why I share. To say if you have ever felt ANY of this: I stand with you, and you are not alone. And to also say that jealousy is simply information. Dare I say good information. It’s inviting you into a conversation with yourself to deeper understand your desires. And is that not a gift? Continuing to get to know yourself more? Why shove something so precious away? So go dig deep, dream of what could be, and walk in freedom.
August 31, 2022